Our Son

On January 25^th, 2012 our firstborn son, Christian Benedict, was born. He went to be with the Lord a few minutes later. I had been having chills and a bit of a fever for a few days before, which I thought were just flu symptoms but which I now know were signs of a septic abortion. I had an ultrasound that morning and everything looked wonderful. They saw that he was a boy and he kicked his feet and bounced his head around and I loved him.

But that afternoon I began having contractions, and they continued to get worse. Since nothing had been wrong that morning I didn’t go in to the doctor, and they just suggested pain medication and a warm bath. Soon they became so bad that I felt like I was in labor again, and it turns out that I was.

We knew something was seriously wrong, and Joel took Lucy over to a friend’s house so that we could go into the hospital. But it was right then, in the ten minutes that he was gone, that our son was born, with only me there to catch him on our bathroom floor.

When he came out he was still alive, just long enough for me to tell him that we loved him, and then our Heavenly Father took him out of my arms and gathered him into His infinitely more capable and tender arms.

This was a terrible, hard, painful experience, and one that we will never forget. But in the midst of our sorrows, we acknowledge that this hard providence was given to us for a reason by our God. And with this mindset we have come to take comfort in many things.

First, I know that we worship a living God, one who died and rose again. And because of that we have a son who died but lives on in heaven. He is absent from his body but he is present with the Lord. And while we may be grieving, he is not.

Second, I know that God works all things out for good for those who love Him. I had my hopes and plans for Christian as all mothers do: that he and Lucy would grow up thick as thieves, and that we could shower him with gifts and love. But even there God had better plans for him: And if we being sinful know how to give good gifts, how much more will our heavenly father give gifts to those who ask of him (Matt. 7:11). So I have asked, and I know Christian has already received more gifts and love than we could ever give Him.

Third, I know that God is not distant, and we are not alone. Even when I gave birth to Christian in the bathroom, my Father was with me, leading me through the valley of the shadow of death. His Spirit has brought Joel and I immense comfort in these past 24 hours, and confirmed for us that God will never give us more than we can handle.

So we named him Christian Benedict. He is our little Christian son who was blessed to go and be with the Lord straightaway, without the pain and trials of a life on this earth. He has traded corruptible flesh for incorruptible and sorrow for joy. We see what is to come through a mirror dimly, but he sees the glory face to face.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. (2 Cor. 4:17-18).”